There’s a quiet tension that arises when we find ourselves in disagreement with people we care about. Especially when the disagreement touches on values that feel sacred to us – politics, ethics, lifestyle choices, or the deeper moral compass that guides us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, especially as I see so many friends and clients struggle with maintaining relationships that are complicated by fundamental differences. So I want to share a few personal stories and reflections – not because I have all the answers, but because I think this is something we all navigate, in our own way.
Take Amar’s brother, for example. He’s a proud Trump supporter. And I am definitely not! Our worldviews couldn’t be more different. Over the years, we’ve come to an unspoken agreement: we don’t discuss politics. We focus on what connects us, not what divides us. It’s not perfect, but it’s peaceful.
Then there’s my cousin. A smart, sensitive soul who unfortunately struggles with alcoholism. When he drinks, he completely changes. His words become sharp, angry, and at times, deeply hurtful. I’ve learned to physically distance myself when he starts drinking. It’s not about punishment – it’s about protecting my own peace.
But here’s the paradox – I also consider myself quite tolerant. I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t judge those who eat meat. I don’t drink alcohol, but I can sit at a table with someone who enjoys a glass of wine. I believe in non-violence and avoid investing in companies linked to arms and defence, but if someone chooses otherwise, I don’t try to “convert” them. People have agency. They have their reasons. And I truly believe in honouring that.
Still, not everyone finds it easy to just “let be”.
So how do we find that middle ground between staying true to ourselves and respecting others?
Here are a few steps that help me – and may help you too… But remember, it’s about continuous practice!
- Recognise what’s worth discussing – and what’s not
Not every difference needs a debate. Some topics are landmines, and stepping on them does more harm than good. If the discussion isn’t going to be respectful or productive, it’s okay to opt out.
Silence isn’t weakness – it’s often wisdom.
- Set clear boundaries
When someone’s behaviour is toxic, aggressive, or harmful, boundaries aren’t just helpful, they’re essential. With my cousin, my boundary is simple – I don’t engage when he’s drinking. Boundaries protect your energy and allow space for healthier interactions in the future.
- Differentiate between disagreement and disrespect
You can disagree with someone’s views and still respect them as a human being. But if the disagreement comes with disrespect – racism, misogyny, homophobia, or harm to others – then tolerance isn’t the answer. Courageous distance is.
- Accept people as they are, not as you wish they were
This one’s hard. Especially when it’s family or people we love. But peace often comes when we stop trying to change people and instead meet them where they are – with compassion and detachment.
- Practise radical self-responsibility
You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. And you don’t have to explain or justify your values to everyone. Live them. Model them. That’s more powerful than any lecture.
- Use curiosity over judgement
Sometimes, asking gentle questions opens doors that judgement slams shut. “I’m curious – what makes you feel so strongly about that?” can invite reflection in a way “How can you believe that?” never will.
And above all, remember this, we are all complex, messy, evolving beings. None of us is right all the time. And ultimately, we are all trying to belong, to feel heard, to be safe.
So next time you’re with someone whose views or choices differ wildly from your own, pause and ask yourself “Can I disagree and still choose love? Can I honour my truth without needing to silence theirs?”
Letting be isn’t about apathy, it’s about discernment. The peace this discernment brings is worth practicing.