I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on boundaries – how we set them, how we struggle with them, and how they can either create distance or foster deeper respect and connection.

One of my coaching clients recently shared how difficult she finds it to set boundaries. She identifies as a people pleaser, constantly navigating the delicate dance of saying ‘yes’ when her inner voice is whispering ‘no’. But what struck me most was her fear that setting strong boundaries would make her unkind or harsh.

That got me thinking.

You see, I’m someone who tends to operate in black and white. My own boundaries are clear, strong, and firmly upheld. If I find myself repeatedly unable to maintain my boundaries with someone, I step away. I cut them out if I need to. And while that has served me well in protecting my energy, I’ve realised it’s not always helpful when I bring that same rigidity for my clients and their personal boundaries.

Enter Aliya Dawoodani, a fellow coach and boundary specialist whose wisdom has gently nudged me to rethink what boundaries can look like.

Aliya says, “Rigid, inflexible boundaries were causing a lot of upset. But when we give ourselves permission to be more fluid with our boundaries, they stop feeling so heavy. We can tune into the unique dynamic we have with each person and decide what works in that specific relationship. Deep down, each of us knows what feels right – we just need to tap into that inner wisdom. Boundaries aren’t fixed structures like a house; they’re part of an ongoing, evolving process.”

This really landed with me.

I often treat boundaries like fences or walls – fixed, unmoving, protecting what’s inside but also keeping others out. But what if boundaries were more like rivers? Flowing, adaptable, shaped by the terrain they run through, but still with a clear sense of direction and containment?

Boundaries don’t have to be either flimsy or forceful. There is a spacious, sacred middle ground where we can honour our needs and our relationships. We can learn to say “no” without guilt and “yes” without resentment. We can learn to notice how our energy feels around different people and adjust our boundaries accordingly – not out of fear or control, but out of self-respect and love.

This isn’t about being inconsistent or unclear. It’s about recognising that boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all blueprint. They are living, breathing expressions of our values and our self-awareness.

So here’s the truth I’m sitting with: Boundaries aren’t meant to be punishments or ultimatums. They are meant to protect our peace, nurture our growth, and guide us into deeper, healthier connections – with others and with ourselves.

If you struggle with boundaries, know this: it’s okay to start small. It’s okay to be unsure. And it’s okay to change your mind. You are not building a prison. You are learning how to live in a way that honours your truth.

And truthfully? That’s one of the kindest things you can do – for everyone.

Until next time, stay inspired!

Shalini

Aliya Dawoodani is a Self-Connection Coach and can be found on IG @aliyadawoodani