In many conservative societies across the world, women are raised with an unspoken script, a set of rules so deeply ingrained that it takes years, sometimes decades, to even notice they exist. For Asian and African women in Kenya, navigating the cultural expectations of family, faith, and tradition, the narrative can be particularly tight.
Be good. Be nice. Be quiet. Be accommodating.
Don’t talk back. Don’t take up space. Don’t be seen. Don’t be heard.
These subtle messages are often passed down with love, under the guise of protection and cultural preservation. But while they may once have served a purpose, ensuring a woman’s safety in a patriarchal world, they can also become invisible shackles, keeping women stuck in roles that no longer fit.
The ‘Good Girl’ Syndrome
Many women I work with in my coaching practice speak about a deep inner conflict. Outwardly, they are successful, dependable, and generous. But inwardly, there’s a gnawing sense of disconnection. A part of them wonders, “Who am I beyond what is expected of me?”
This is the heart of the Good Girl Syndrome – a pattern of people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and playing small. It often manifests as guilt when setting boundaries, anxiety around saying “no”, and a tendency to silence one’s own needs in order to maintain peace.
And it’s not just an individual experience – it’s systemic. In many Kenyan-Indian families, for instance, daughters are raised to be dutiful and selfless, often carrying the weight of family reputation. In some African households, similar values are upheld – modesty, respect for elders, unquestioned obedience to fathers and husbands. Some of these values can end up suppressing a woman’s voice, desires, or truth, eventually becoming emotionally suffocating.
My Story: From ‘Good Girl’ to Grounded Rebel
I know this story well – because I lived it.
I was the good girl. The one who got the good grades, won the awards, learnt to dance and speak French and always made her parents proud. I never questioned anything. I had a strict father and a demanding mother who expected results. And I delivered, always following the script perfectly.
Until I fell in love with “the wrong man” at 21. And all hell broke loose.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t following the rules. I wasn’t being the obedient daughter or the compliant student. I was choosing love, freedom, and the beginnings of my own voice – and it terrified the people around me. But, looking back, I realise that that was the beginning of my liberation.
Since then, I’ve broken many rules. I’ve walked away from tradition and made choices that shocked my family, community and society at large. I’ve chosen to live a life that is mine – messy, courageous, and honest. Yes, I have disappointed people along the way, but I’ve also found deep joy in finally being true to myself.
That said, the good girl still shows up sometimes, even as I approach my 50th birthday. She whispers, “Don’t rock the boat!” especially in situations where collective conformity is expected. I’ve seen it, even recently, with neighbours and community expectations here in Nanyuki where I am building a house with Amar. There are often unspoken ‘rules’ – ways we are supposed to behave to keep everyone happy. But I’ve learnt that following societal or communal norms for the sake of the collective peace can sometimes cause internal conflict. I will respect the law and written agreements – but I will not subscribe to every unspoken rule simply because ‘that’s how things are done’.
And as I continue to remind myself, you can’t please everyone all of the time. Moreover, it is exhausting to try. What matters more is living from a place of integrity – guided not by what others expect, but by what my soul knows to be true.
The Cost of Cultural Conditioning
The impact of this familial and societal conditioning isn’t always visible. It may show up in:
- Chronic burnout from doing too much for other people.
- Low self-worth and fear of disappointing family.
- Delayed dreams and buried passions.
- Staying in unfulfilling careers or relationships for fear of rocking the boat.
- Anxiety, depression, or a persistent feeling of “not being enough”.
And perhaps most heartbreakingly, in the quiet belief that one’s life must be lived for others, rather than for oneself.
Where Coaching and Healing Come In
Coaching offers a safe, non-judgmental space to unravel these deeply woven threads. It’s not about discarding cultural identity – it’s about reclaiming personal identity within it.
Here are some ways coaching can support women in breaking free:
- Awareness of Inherited Beliefs
Through reflective exercises and inner enquiry, coaching helps women identify which beliefs are theirs and which were inherited. Not everything we carry is meant to be kept. - Rewriting the Narrative
Once patterns are brought to light, we can begin to rewrite them. A woman who believed she had to be “the good daughter” can instead explore what it means to be the authentic daughter, one who honours her truth and still loves her family. - Setting Boundaries without Guilt
Coaching helps women learn to say no without shame, to rest without justification, and to prioritise themselves without feeling selfish. - Inner Child Healing
Many of these patterns were absorbed in childhood. Healing modalities like somatic work, journalling, or Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) can support deep emotional release and reconnection. - Spiritual Empowerment
For many women, spirituality becomes a tool of liberation rather than oppression. Coaching can support a reconnection to the divine feminine, to intuition, and to a soulful path that blends strength with softness.
A New Legacy for Women
Healing from the ‘Good Girl’ Syndrome isn’t about rebellion – it’s about reclamation. It’s about choosing to live a life of alignment rather than appeasement. It’s about creating a new model of womanhood, one that honours both culture and selfhood, one that can bow to tradition but still rise with her own voice.
It is important to remember that when one woman breaks this cycle, she doesn’t just heal herself, but rather, she heals the lineage that came before her, and she frees the daughters who will come after.
Ready to Break Free?
Where in your life have you prioritised being “good” over being true to yourself? What would it look like to choose truth instead?
If you are a woman navigating the expectations of culture, community, and family, and feeling the quiet ache of disconnection, it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
I offer 1:1 coaching and healing journeys to help you gently unravel the patterns that no longer serve you and reclaim the vibrant, powerful woman within.
Reach out for a free discovery call to see if this work is right for you.
Your healing isn’t rebellion. It is remembrance. It is returning to who you were before the world told you who to be.