A Reflection on Identity and the Stories We Tell

Who are you?

It’s a question we ask and answer in so many ways – usually without pausing to consider what we are really saying.

Most often, we answer with what we do.
“I’m a lawyer.”
“I’m a mother.”
“I’m an entrepreneur.”
“I’m a healer.”

It becomes our shorthand. A way of placing ourselves – and others – neatly into categories. We use roles, achievements, and even our pain to build the scaffolding of our identity. And yet… is that who we really are?

As a child, I was my father’s daughter – obedient, high-achieving, tightly shaped by his values and expectations. When I moved to the UK, I was Jeremy’s partner, as well as being a dance teacher, owner of Just Jhoom! – a businesswoman. I was known as being ambitious and a high performer – someone who ticked boxes and delivered results.

And then Jeremy died.

Suddenly, I wasn’t just me, Shalini, anymore. I became Shalini – “the widow”. That word carried so much weight. It shaped how people saw me, how I saw myself. It was as though everything else I had been – partner, professional, woman, dreamer – was overshadowed by this single identity. And while widowhood is undeniably part of my story, I began to realise I didn’t want it to define me forever.

Over the years, my identity has shifted again. I’m now Amar’s partner. A holistic healer. A teacher. A woman who guides others through their pain. But even these labels, as beautiful and true as they are, don’t capture the full picture. They’re chapters in a much larger book.

Amar and I were talking just yesterday about how we are perceived. How so often, people make assumptions about who we are based on how we dress, what car we drive, how we speak, what work we do. Appearances and roles become a kind of shortcut to identity in the eyes of others. But what if that version of us they’re engaging with is only the surface? What if the truest parts of who we are don’t fit into the categories they’ve assigned?

So I find myself asking: what is identity, really?

Is it who we are to others?
Is it what we do for a living?
Is it the roles we’ve played, the pain we’ve survived, the choices we’ve made?

We live in a world where the question “What do you do?” is often code for “Who are you?” But what if that question misses the essence of a person completely? What if identity is not something fixed, but something that evolves, softens, cracks open, and reassembles – again and again?

What if identity is less about the labels we wear, and more about the presence we bring to life? What if identity is less about definitions, and more about truth? What if identity is less about roles, and more about being?

I don’t have all the answers. But, this I know to be true, we are far more than any one label. We are not just what we’ve done or what has happened to us. We are the sum of our experiences. But, perhaps more importantly, we are also the space between them. In fact, we are the soul behind the story.

So I’ll leave you with a few questions to sit with:

• Who are you when no one is watching?
• If you weren’t allowed to describe yourself by your job, your relationship, or your achievements – what would you say?
• What parts of your identity have you outgrown?
• And what identities are you still becoming?

Let’s keep asking and let’s stay curious. And let’s hold space – for ourselves and for each other – to be so much more than the boxes we’ve been placed in.

Until next time, stay inspired!

Shalini