Chapter 19 – Broken (Excerpt 11)

A paragraph from Chapter 19

Without Jeremy, my life made no sense. Getting out of bed each day became harder and harder. What was the point? Some days I couldn’t manage it at all. At some point late in the afternoon, bleary-eyed, I’d summon just enough energy to haul my heavy limbs out of the bedroom to feed Tabasco before stumbling back to bed again. All I wanted was to close my eyes and forget the world. I watched rubbish American TV, the kind Jeremy had hated and I snacked on junk food all day: crisps, chocolate, cake, Bombay mix. It was all I could do. The box sets allowed me to switch off my mind and the rubbish food filled the gaping hole that had opened up within me. I took painkillers every day to numb my grief and at night I drank whisky to help me sleep. I abandoned all care of myself – I didn’t put on make-up anymore, sometimes I didn’t even get dressed.

Mentally, physically, I had hit a wall.


Significance of this excerpt:

It felt like a large part of me died the day Jeremy passed away and every day after, a small part of me faded away until I no longer wanted to carry on living. I was broken. I had lost someone who could never be replaced and I had also lost the most cherished relationship I had ever had. I always used to think that I was in complete control of my life. Losing Jeremy shattered that illusion. Now I had no control over anything. I had no control over these feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, fear, anger, guilt and sheer disbelief at what had happened.
I became a recluse – shunning company with any friends or family. I was in self-destruct mode – it was the only way I knew how to grieve. Loneliness became a way of life – and sometimes it would be a whole week before I saw or spoke to another person.
Grief is an unrelenting master – and it had me in its vice like grip for nearly 12 months….

Look out for Excerpt 12 coming soon


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