A paragraph from Chapter 23

I started writing this book as I entered my second year of mourning. I wanted to pay tribute to Jeremy, to express what he meant to me and to show exactly what kind of a man he was. Though hard at times, it has been a deeply cathartic experience, allowing me both the pleasure of reliving the years we shared and the ability to come to terms with the changes in my life since he passed away. Slowly, as a result, something in me shifted. The haunting image of Jeremy on his deathbed faded, the shattering grief softened and at last I could feel his presence everywhere around me. But, perhaps more importantly I realised for the first time that I was no longer living in fear. The thing I had feared most in life – losing Jeremy – had happened. Nothing else could be as bad.

After many months in the dark, I can finally see a future for myself, a future filled with hope and optimism – one I never imagined would be possible. I want to live again. I want to laugh again. And yes, perhaps one day, I might even want to fall in love again.

As I sit here in the conservatory overlooking our garden, my garden, I can feel Jeremy is here with me.  Our journey together is not over – it has barely begun. One day, when it is my time to join him, he will come to meet me. I can see him now walking towards me, arms out, a wide smile lighting up his face…

But not yet. Not just yet.

Significance of this excerpt:

2018 has been a year of renewal – from building Jezza’s cabin in Kenya, starting online dating, buying a new motorbik to starting my End of Life Doula training. Even my recent car crash has meant that the beautiful car Jeremy had given me is no longer with me and I now must buy a new car – the first I will buy without him by my side.

Jeremy will never truly leave me. I will never move on from him. But, I will now move forward with my life. And this is the message that I want to give people. There is life after death – here for me on this earth; and for Jeremy and me eventually in the Afterlife.

Each day, as my energy clears and the dark cloud of grief lifts, I begin to hear Jeremy more and more. I begin to feel the hand of his guidance on my head.

I hear him whisper ‘I am here. Always with you.’

And so, I know he will be with me for the next part of my journey, wherever it may take me – and that fills me with hope.

 

Shalini

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